The Conversations in My Head

Over the years, the conversations I’ve had with myself as I mull over a problem or observe a situation, have been ongoing. Of course, there are things you should never say out loud, as it’s unfiltered and perhaps not ready for prime time, so to speak.

Then there are those self-talks that I have when I’m frustrated at myself. That’s when I turn into the world’s biggest critic of moi (the reviews are never good).  It’s become such a natural state of being to have these conversations in my head that I’ve stopped listening to just how negative my own voice can be.

Case in point:

Recently, I made my way back to the gym.  (I may have engaged in over a 1000 diets and health kicks, but I will give myself some credit; I have not given up hope that I can find a healthier, happier me.)  I’m about a week into my workout program, that has me getting up and going to the gym before work.  It’s a huge challenge as I am – a) not a morning person, b) typically up very late, and c) the Queen of excuses.

This time though, there’s a big difference.  A part of this program has me writing down what the biggest challenges will be to accomplish the goals I set.  I had to write abut what I was up against and how I was going to make this plan work for me and then I had to follow up.

What I discovered was that I am the saboteur of my own success, time and time again.  The biggest challenge, I’ve discovered is the voice in my head…me!

The voice in my head starts talking about 5:45 AM, right before my alarm goes off. “You’re too tired to get up.  You deserve to sleep a little bit longer. You can work out later after work.  Skipping one day won’t hurt.”  It’s crazy and crazy-making – like having my own worst enemy in my noggin.

When I finally did make it to the gym, that damn version of me would start chiming in again. “You look stupid.  You obviously don’t know what you’re doing. (It even chuckled!)  Just give up. You’re never going to do this. Who are you kidding?”

Are you starting to get the picture?  I sure am.  WTF??  I am a cheerleader by nature.  I root for the underdog in every movie, sporting event and for any lost soul that is giving it their all.  That is who I am.  Yet, when it comes to myself, I am this evil bitch from hell.  Where the hell did that version of me come from??????????? I wanted to tell her, “Hey, fuck you!  Be nice to me.  I’m a good person and guess what?  I CAN DO THIS!

I am on week three.  Let me say that again. I am on-week-three! Three cheers for me!  Oh, that evil bitch still rears her ugly head. But before her sneaky little whisper starts turning to a shout, I bitch slap that bitch back to her cage because that’s where she belongs.

By giving that inner critic a mental bitch slap, I’ve discovered “me, the cheerleader.” She’s been there all along, but now I can hear her voice.  First, she too, whispered.  But now she roars, “You’ve got this!” She tells me firmly, “get your ass out of bed and go do the work.”  She – I mean me, reminds me that I can do anything I set my mind to, if I really truly want it.  She…me…is my new best friend.

These conversations in my head are being rewired.  The “bitch” is getting weaker while the “cheerleader” grows stronger. Now I realize that the determination was in me all the time. Now I realize that I am all that I want to be.  I just need to do the work and believe that this is possible.  In fact, now I need to create bigger and better dreams because, as I said before, I’m one hell of a cheerleader and now I’m cheering for me!!

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