Some people have a “Bucket List,” which is a list of experiences or achievements that a person hopes to have or accomplish in a lifetime. When I started putting my list together originally, I felt myself hesitating, as I knew some of the items I’d be listing would meet with some negative opinions or judgments, whether well intentioned or not.
I’d write down for example, “Tattoo favorite quote”….hesitate, and back away from it. Then, like a lover wooing me back, the quote would hover in my mind – the one that has stayed with me for years — and I’d think about how I’d love to see it every day done in a bit of artwork from my son.
But then my mind would play the response I’d get from my husband or my family, which is why some five years later, I still haven’t gotten that tattoo. I can hear the comments playing in my head. “Why??” “Midlife crisis?” “What the hell were you thinking?”
That same tape has played over and over in my head for years. But this time, a voice in my head said, “Fuck it!” Which made me laugh and that’s when my “Fuck it” list was born — and no one gets a say in it, but me.
You see, I’m turning 50 in a few weeks and although I’ve never been a person too worried about what number I’m on, there is something about turning fifty that feels more definitive. The number in my mind, has some expectations with it and carries with it a reminder that our time here is finite.
So my “Fuck It” list started evolving and I felt more and more free as I formulated a list that was all about me. What did I want and what would make me happy? These were questions that hadn’t been at the forefront of my life in a very long time; having been a mother, wife, daughter and friend and someone who gets great joy from helping others.
Somewhere along the way, my internal definition of me….just me, my likes & dislikes without external influence from those that I love, became fuzzy. I felt undefined in terms of what I want on this earth, outside of my raising my children into adulthood and to be a good wife, daughter and friend. I would even go as far as to acknowledge that my own self- worth had taken a hit. Being able to say out loud and without feeling selfish that my own desires and needs have value and are imperative to becoming who I am and ultimately who I am meant to be was liberating. This thought process became the basis for my “Fuck it” list.
If I have a choice, I don’t want to leave this world without accomplishing more! I don’t want to have regrets and things I set aside based off of someone else’s perspective or their value judgement. It’s my life, dammit, so fuck it! No more taking a backseat to what makes me happy or satisfied. I have value and when I encourage my own self-worth, I become more of myself and I’m better for it. I’m richer in thought, more confident in action and on my way to becoming all that I was meant to be.
We’re all worthy of having goals that are fulfilling and rewarding, whether or not anyone else sees the value. We have but one life to live and it really is our right to live it as fully realized as possible. So create your list. Anything that captures your interest or sparks your soul. Write it down! If you start to doubt yourself….say these simple words. “Fuck it!” This is your life and this is your list and the time to start is now. Life is too short for anything else.
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